it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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