My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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