you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
