Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
