Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
