seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
