he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
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you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
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No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
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