my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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