I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
