Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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