Tell her she can't have a vagina
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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