please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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