I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Randomize
