I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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