A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
