Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
