he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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