I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm always down for nudity.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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