I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
