All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Two words: blizzard sex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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