i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
