I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
