Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.