So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?