laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
