you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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