Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
