Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
