Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
