I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
