how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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