I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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