the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
