Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
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He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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