Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
