did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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