Your dad touched me again.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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