i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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