when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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