he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
