1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
