update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
