the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
