i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
