Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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