I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
