Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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