Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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