my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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