I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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