I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
