Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
