i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
