This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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