we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
